If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
