Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
