also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
