On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
