i love accidental penises.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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