The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
