Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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