I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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