Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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