Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
