I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
