Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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