Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
