if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
