Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
