***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
