I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
