OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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