Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize