life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
