I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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