I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
