I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
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