problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
