I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
