I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
