My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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