I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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