Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
