i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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