I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i believe in u and ur pee
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
