Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
