my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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