i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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