Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How does one acquire holy water?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
