3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
