Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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