Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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