Taylor Swift is so right about you.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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