it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
