Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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