everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
