Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
