Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
