i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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