Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
