Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
