She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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