i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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