Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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