I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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