Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
