drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
