I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
