i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
