lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
