I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
