I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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