Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
