this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
