you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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