moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
