We're like a lot better than the average bears
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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