I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
