508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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