Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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