I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
