fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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